Farrington's Facts

Ian Farrington
August 2010

Introduction by Barry Williamson

Travellers rank high among those whose life is dominated by facts and the need to have the right answer. Something instilled through the long years of schooling (and scolding). Names, dates, places, times, distances, exchange rates, costs, sizes, co-ordinates; in fact, facts and figures of all kinds.

Ian has produced the ultimate antidote to facts. Here are 118 (that may not be a fact) of a species that might be called anti-facts. They can be tested not by their correctness, but rather by their fallacy. If they could be correct, they should not be in the list.

Ian's is not an easy achievement. Try it! So schooled are we in writing only that which can be checked and found true, that it is very hard indeed to write what is clearly not true. We are always looking for a tick; here we are deliberately seeking a cross.

The net effect of reading so many anti-facts can be serious injury to reason. We sincerely advise you not to read all these factual antitheses at one sitting. Take a few at a time, followed by the antidote of reading Wikipedia as an aid to returning what is called normal.

Should you wish to add to this litany of the possibly untrue, please Contact Us!

• George Formby was an alien; his famous grill is a portal to another world.
• The Russians used non-vegetarian cheese at the battle of Stalingrad to annoy Hitler.
• Muesli is regarded as a sexual perversion in Nutting, Colorado.
• Mormons can breathe through their bottoms.
• Tippex and lighter fuel are a tasty and nourishing alternative to strawberry jelly at parties.
• Dr Who was originally a road safety film.
• The 19^th Century poet and thinker Matthew Arnold and the Hollywood star Doris Day are buried in a common grave beneath a bench in Southport.
• Swans can talk better than parrots, but can't be arsed.
• All policemen in Macclesfield have to be under five feet tall to comply with local planning laws.
• Many Thais believe Vera Lynne to be a reincarnation of the Buddha.
• Whispering cures chilblains.
• Toast is sensitive to light and should not be kept near windows.
• The late Pope was a huge fan of Swish curtain rails.
• Until recently, Cambridge undergraduates were not allowed to use bicycle pumps during the Michaelmas term.
• The Queen sends a live ferret to every person who reaches 200 years old.
• Black pudding is a banned substance in Whining, Minnesota.
• The British army is due to run out of stripes in 2012 and no corporals will be made sergeants after that date.
• The most secret aspect of Freemasonry is cauliflower cheese, which is why they wear those aprons.
• The East coast of England is still subject to Viking raids, but they use aquatic ice-cream vans rather than long boats.
• J. K. Rowling, Mohamed Ali and the late Bernard Manning are in fact the same person.
• There is a misprint in the Old Testament: it was marmite and not manna that gave sustenance to the Jews in exile.
• May flies are monogamous.
• White enamel sinks are still worshipped as gods in parts of Ayrshire.
• An amusing and easily-prepared snack can be made from lampshades and chamomile tea.
• Zebra crossings used to be the other way round before the second world war.
• Charles Darwin made up the Theory of Evolution to amuse his mother.
• The Labour party was originally formed to sell mushy peas.
• Queen Victoria was known as the 'thinking man's door handle'.
• They ran out of wine at the last supper and substituted Vimto.
• Finger nails grow stronger if you wear odd socks.
• You have really made it in society once your light bulbs are hand-made in Jermyn Street.
• Love Heart sweets are made in North Korea.
• Salvador Dali is the original inspiration for the music hall song 'My old Man said follow the Van, and don't dilly dally on the way'.
• God has small feet.
• Tortoiseshell cats are behind the repeats of The Price is Right.
• Australia was made up for a laugh in 1956.
• Elton John invented thermo nuclear underwear.
• In an emergency Smarties can be used to prevent blood clotting.
• Dogs can smile under water.
• Duvets were invented to sell more Danish bacon.
• Oranges are the only fruit.
• Bakelite is a vegetable.
• The IKEA catalogue cannot legally be sold in Lewisham or Newcastle.
• Most people on the Richard and Judy show have recycled breath.
• 'Bidet' is pronounced 'felt' in Taiwan.
• The Japanese prefer Weetabix to sushi at State Banquets.
• Norman Wisdom and The Dali Lama are related on his mother's side.
• People from public schools are frightened to go to the lavatory for the rest of their lives, in case a common person has sat there first.
• Marx's grave in Highgate cemetery is next to that of a Mr Spencer.
• Chewing your nails counts as one of your five fruit and veg.
• Sighing is illegal in Tristan Da Cunha.
• The poet Shelley did not drown in 1822, but is still alive and works as an IT consultant in Bromsgrove.
• Monks in Wedensbury are not allowed under canon law to pick their noses standing up.
• Luke-warm pork fat is a useful emergency contraceptive.
• St. John the Baptist was notorious for not finishing the crossword.
• We share 99 per cent of our genes with telescopes.
• Rabbits believe Jesus was betrayed by Judas His Carrot.
• David Cameron is an anagram of useless complacent fat Tory bastard.
• Garibaldi biscuits think.
• Pigeons have no sense of humour, but sparrows write for Jimmy Carr.
• Welding pop corn is frowned upon in Singapore.
• Mablethorpe is not what it was.
• Being stabbed repeatedly in the heart with a pitchfork is regarded as unlucky in several Swiss cantons.
• In Nigeria, if you don't mow your lawn for a month, the state is entitled to decorate your tinned fruit collection.
• Plastic surgery on plastic is rarely successful or attractive.
• A balanced meal with all the relevant food groups, is a bottle of vodka and a packet of hula hoops. (In addition, this rhymes and was originally in T. S. Eliot's 'The Waste Land' before Ezra Pound edited it.)
• The Duke of Edinburgh loathes both double glazing self-tanning pills and Ross Noble; the Queen quite likes them.
• Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone box, then had to invent something to put in them.
• There is a stop on the Northern line that has a gateway to Hell, but is only open on alternate Thursdays.
• Dogs have been laughing at us for years, especially Labradors.
• Why is Petula Clark not in the present Cabinet?
• Amarillo is in fact near Stockton, something Peter Kay should have known.
• There is nothing remotely amusing about elbows.
• Curiously, carpet samples taste delicious with Gentleman's Relish, but old rucksacks smell of the last person who slept in them.
• When travelling, throw a paisley shawl over your knees, or not, just as you wish.
• Deaf people are more intelligent than anyone else, since they have to guess what people are saying all the time.
• The former Duke of Bedford had the largest collection of Nice biscuits in captivity.
• Barbour wellingtons and waxed jackets were originally painted pink to match the décor in London night clubs.
• David Cameron pushes radishes up his bottom; or if he doesn't he should.
• Queen Boudica was known as the 'the mouth organ' for good reasons.
• Slugs aren't really that slow; they're just lazy bastards.
• Gobstoppers aren't what they used to be.
• The original site for Mecca was Lewisham or Nuneaton; Muhammad couldn't make his mind up.
• Boy George was a Druid.
• Aliens are disguised as green clothes pegs, and will take over the world's washing lines.
• Diarrhoea is God's way of showing he loves you; mouth ulcers are a gift from the Holy Ghost.
• The next government will bring back Spangles.
• Toasted tea cakes are worshipped in some parts of Zimbabwe.
• Lily Allen is a reincarnation of Mr Gladstone; have you seen her bags?
• It is politically correct to refer to sparrow's vomit as woopsies.
• Cistercian monks were forced to use copies of Heat magazine to wipe their noses, as a penance.
• Mice can read, but are too polite to mention it.
• String fell by 15 per cent yesterday.
• Mrs Thatcher was born in a stable; but the wise men's Sat Nav was up the spout.
• You can use green tea to blow up balloons.
• David Cameron uses Cameron Diaz to wash his socks.
• Contrary to popular belief, toe-nails climbed Everest long before Werther's Originals.
• Put wet sacking around your hardback books to discourage vampires.
• Despite rumours, David Beckham did not invent courgettes.
• The BBC is lying: Digital television has nothing to do with fingers.
• The Pope and the Chief Rabbi often e-mail each other pictures of old golden syrup tins for no particular reason; just because they can.
• The late Eric Morecambe is not as funny as he was.
• Princess Anne.
• Sushi is in fact revenge by the Japanese.
• Samantha Cameron's maiden name was Fox.
• Only Latin is spoken in the centre of Huddersfield.
• Many Americans believe Thora Hird is Muslim propaganda.
• In some parts of Northern China 'rice' is pronounced 'ricky'.
• It is illegal to throw bath plugs at Edwina Curry.
• Dentists make their pink mouth wash from the Freeman Hardy and Willis catalogue for 1959.
• Goldfish lie.
• A popular sport amongst the Aztecs was Monopoly, though there was no Old Kent Road.
• Tom doesn't, in fact, cruise.
• In Armenia it is considered bad manners to dip your antelope in custard.
• Winston Churchill believed until the end of his life that, if you didn't get your jammys on before the toilet had stopped flushing, nanny would pour molten toffee into your belly button.
• Oak trees are silent when Prince Charles talks to them, but aspidistras are known to answer back.
• Many immigrants believe the blue lamp outside police stations denotes a Conservative Party brothel, with hilarious results.
• St. Augustine was an Arsenal supporter, but, the Blessed Oliver Plunkett wasn't.
  
  
  

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