Muppetry on a Grand Scale
Martin Jeffes of
Kolarovo, Bulgaria (& Sakar Hills Camping, Biser)
This article first appeared in
Volume 1, Issue 4, March 2010 of Martin's occasional internet illustrated
newsletter, 'The Grapevine'. The newsletter is circulated to family and
friends and comments on local life and colour, particularly among British
expatriates and visitors to the campsite owned and managed by Martin and
his son, Matt: Camping
Sakar Hills.
On
Monday 14th December, a message was flashed to the orbiting
space-station communication centre of International Rescue, which is in a
geo-stationary orbit somewhere above the M25. Unfortunately, due to the
current economic crisis, the station was, at the time, unmanned, and the
message was beamed down to their terrestrial base, which is in an office
next door to Grapevine's newsroom. At the time the entire Tracy family
were out fruit-picking, window-cleaning and busking, to earn a few bob,
and so, hearing the phone ringing, Matt answered the
call.
On the line was
the somewhat worried daughter of local entrepreneur Dodo. Now Dodo imports
cars and caravans, both usually past the first flush of youth, into
Bulgaria. He and his trusted accomplice, Bobo, will fly to the UK, buy a
couple of, usually, 4x4 vehicles and caravans, and drive them back to
Bulgaria. This time, it seems Dodo was on his own in a vehicle, towing a
caravan, when he broke down somewhere in Hungary. A call went out to his
LSW (long-suffering wife) to bring another vehicle from Hylabovo all the
way to Hungary to rescue him. Probably much against her better
judgement, she set off, accompanied by Dodo's right-hand man, Bobo,
and her young son, Sam.
She rendezvoused
with Dodo successfully and they all began the laborious process of trying to
bring both the broken-down vehicle and the caravan back, towing each in turn
a given distance. All went according to plan for a while, but then the
towing vehicle also broke down, halfway between LSW, who was in Szeged in
Hungary, and Bobo in Romania. LSW was left with the original vehicle that
had broken down, and was parked near a shopping centre by the M5 motorway
on the edge of Szeged, while Bobo and LSW's son, Sam, were in the caravan
about twenty-five miles east of Dodo. Unfortunately, LSW had left her
mobile phone in the vehicle she had driven up in, which was not the vehicle
she now found herself in, so she had no way of communicating with Dodo, or
anyone else. And so she stayed for two days, sleeping in the car at night,
loitering around the warm shops during the day.
Bobo and Sam,
meanwhile, were settling down in the caravan, which had no heating, but, it
being just before Christmas, Dodo had filled the caravan with a large
consignment of packets of mince pies and chocolate advent calendars, plus a
quantity of old clothes destined for the orphanage in Bulgaria. Picture
then, if you will, how it would have looked to any Romanian passers-by who
happened to look in through the caravan windows and see the pair dressed
in many layers of old woolly clothing, eating mince pies and chocolate
advent calendars, day after day.
Dodo had rung
Dereck, a neighbour of his, on Sunday night, outlining their collective
plight, and, as Dereck thought, telling him that Bobo and Sam were in the
border town of Silistra, on the Romanian side of the river Danube. Dereck
set out that night to pick them up.
Unfortunately he
had forgotten his passport, a fact that was brought to his attention when he
reached the border, hours later. Back he went to his home, collected his
passport and returned to Silistra to cross into Romania. Imagine his
surprise when he found out from Dodo that he hadn't said Silistra, but
Silistie, which was about two hundred and fifty miles
away.
By now
it was mid-day Monday, and off he set in appalling weather to rescue Bobo and
Sam.
We left Kolarovo
at 1pm on that Monday, having stuffed the Land Rover full of spare fuel,
tow-ropes, spades, Julie's homemade pies, water, etc. We had decided to go
and find Dodo first, near this place called Silistie, but in the night we
had a call from Dereck, who said he was on his way towards Dodo, so we
changed our plan and set course for Szeged.
We ran into snow
as soon as we entered Romania, and it got progressively worse. At times
during the night we were forced to follow snow-ploughs to keep going. Soon
after entering Romania we had got ourselves comprehensively lost and ended
up having to do a twenty- mile off-road journey along a very muddy track
across farmland, which was shown on our map as a road.
This is not
altogether unusual for Romania. Here we parted company with one of our
mud-flaps but gained a lot of mud, snow and ice in exchange.
We got to Szeged
at 7 am on Tuesday, made LSW comfortable in the back of the Land Rover,
wrapped in blankets to thaw her out, hooked her car on the back in tow and
headed for home. As we neared the town of Arad we learned
that Dereck had picked up Dodo
and was on his way back to the caravan, was a couple of hours ahead of us,
and was going to take it in tow. It didn't seem sensible for them to hang
around for us, especially as the conditions were still very bad, so we said
we would make our own way back but would follow their route in case they
had any problems.
Their route back
was from Arad across to Sibiu, and then down to Pitestie, where they could
access the motorway to Bucharest, and thence down to Giurgiu. Now, that route
is not good on a nice summer's day, with a lot of traffic, and is somewhat
worse in a blizzard. Suffice to say, we crawled along for mile after mile
and the prospect of an early return to the warmth of my hearth faded
further and further as the day wore on. As we approached Bucharest we were
a little surprised to learn from Dereck that they were now behind us,
having stopped to sort out a problem with the lights on the caravan. We
wished them well and pressed on.
The snow petered
out as we neared the Danube, which raised our spirits a bit, and we finally
crossed into Bulgaria at about midnight at Ruse, only to find that it was
raining there and that the rain was freezing onto anything it made contact
with. In no time at all the whole exterior of the car was coated with a
thick layer of ice. Luckily most of the road had been salted, so we were
able to make fair progress, except for one time when we took a wrong
turn and, having realized our mistake, attempted to turn round on a
filling-station forecourt, which had not been salted, resulting in
the towed car trying to overtake the towing vehicle.
When we got
within about 50 miles of home at about 4 am, we ran into thick fog, which
prevailed for the rest of the journey. We arrived back at Kolarovo at 5 am,
having covered 1300 miles in 39 hours, nearly all of it in dreadful
weather, half of it with a vehicle in tow, tired, cold and hungry, but
with a promise from LSW that she would not attempt to undertake any
future rescue missions, if asked.
EU
English
The following piece, which is truer than we
might wish, was contributed by a motorhoming friend, Cindy Webb. To read her
account of recent motorhome travels in Iceland and the Faroe, Shetland and
Orkney Islands, click here.
The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union
rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan
that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of
"k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Third Worldliness
Ian Shires spent much
of his working life in and out of Africa, helping to prevent and
cure malaria. He has therefore earned the privilege of making the
following statements about the third world in general.
The Third World thing started as a bit of a joke at
work. Some of the non-travelling members of staff were asking serious questions
about the messy bits of the world that we had to visit.
One of the lads started a list and passed it around the travellers. The idea
being to add one or two comments of our own. In other words the list is NOT all
my own work.
Maybe you can add one or two lines yourselves. Or ask your readers to add
some.
The one about green in the flag is generally true, but it upsets Italians and
Hungarians of course (but what the hell!).
Third Worldliness!
1. You have to search for the country in an atlas when told that you have to
go there.
2. You cannot get an international telephone line out of the country in the
wet season.
3. The President wears sunglasses on state occasions.
4. You see a driver changing a tyre at least once a day.
5. There is a street somewhere in the country called Liberation Boulevard.
6. Street lighting has been installed but the wires have not.
7. Third worldliness is directly proportional to the amount of green in the
flag.
8. You experience at least two power blackouts during your stay.
9. Nobody wants to be paid in local currency.
10. The authorities go ape-shit if you take 10p worth of their currency out
of the country.
11. You cannot get an international phone line out of the country during the
dry season.
12. The premium local beer is labelled "Export", but you have never heard of
it.
13. The locals are proud of their traffic jams.
14. The finance minister has the same name as the President.
15. So does the head of the security forces
16. Not wearing a seat belt is thought to be macho.
17. Newspapers are censored, including the official government
publications.
18. Radio news broadcasts are preceded by martial music.
19. There are no official cases of AIDS in the country.
20. The national airline flies Boeing 707s with PANAM stamped on the back of
all the seats.
21. The President uses his honorary doctorate title.
22. High ranking military officials wear uniforms that would make a San
Francisco homosexual faint.
23. You cannot work out which side of the road the locals drive.
24. Every office has a portrait of the President hanging in it.
25. There are more than 100 local currency units to the GB pound and
rising.
26. There are no light bulbs stronger than 40 watts anywhere.
27. People spit.… all the time.
28. Air conditioning is always powered by an unsilenced diesel tractor
engine.
29. The US embassy looks like a hardened missile silo with a 100 yard queue
for visas outside.
30. Everybody ducks down when a truck backfires.
31. Dogs are treated worse than dogs.
32. There are chickens… everywhere.
33. And albinos!
34. It is customary to be served with something sweet, lukewarm and
disgusting by every host.
35. The airport is named after the President.
36. Middle class homes can be recognised by the tasteful combination of
crystal chandeliers, Louis XIV chairs, Formica and Contiboard shelving.
37. All buildings are waiting for the next floor to be added.
38. Toothpicks are hand split from a coarse grained timber.
39. Matches do not strike.
40. Women are cheaper!
41. Duty free shops can be found at Arrivals as well as Departures.
42. All turds are floaters.
43. Meat is prepared in all colours and textures, but you can be sure it was
killed inhumanely.
44. Hotel cockroaches can be relied upon to carry all bags to someone's
room.
45. Hotel washrooms are always used for clearing the nose and throat of
irritating phlegm.
46. All barmen have a brother in England.
47. Pedestrians always walk in the road.
48. Someone has stolen all the manhole covers.
49. If you only pay 40% of the asking price you have been diddled.
50. Outside hotels, toilet paper is considered unnecessary.
51. The amount of spitting is inversely proportional to the number of
spittoons.
52. Coins are made of aluminium.
53. Computers are only used in Immigration.
54. Computers in Immigration never work.
55. Everyone speaks English except the hotel receptionist.
56. There will be Philippino waitresses in the hotel.
57. Playing fields do not have grass.
58. Any pile of tyres contains at least one charred body.
59. If the airport is closed the President will be arriving.
60. You always have to pay someone at the airport to get out of the
country.
61. The customs man will be pleased to make your bag lighter.
62. The security man will be pleased to make your wallet lighter.
63. You are afraid of hearing your pilot say, "Dis am yo pilot speaking".
64. Every news programme starts with "His Excellency the President…received a
message from…" and is followed by a scene of saluting and handshaking.
65. It is obligatory to blow the car horn every five seconds when
stationary.
66. Bacon is always streaky… very streaky.
67. Everyone tells you the language is very rich, and very easy to learn.
68. Buses carry more people outside than inside.
How to
Tell where a Driver comes from in Australia
The person who gave us this list, Tim Guy,
should know about these things. We met him on a campground in Port Augusta
while he was riding his recumbent tricycle from Darwin to Melbourne.
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: NEWCASTLE.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out the window: ALBURY.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out the window, cutting across all lanes of
traffic, gun in lap: BRISBANE.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
CANBERRA.
One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell
phone, brick on accelerator: MELBOURNE.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
ADELAIDE or PERTH.
One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cellphone,
foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck
in traffic: SYDNEY.
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet
being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing a KFC box or empty VB
cans out the window: ALICE SPRINGS
Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, middle finger
out window, beer cans on floor, feral pigs hanging from pickup truck:
DARWIN
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving
50 km per hour on the billion dollar Pacific Highway in the left lane, with the
left blinker on: GOLD COAST.
One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: HOBART.
The
Humour of Eastern Europe
Under the oppressive
regimes imposed by the occupying forces of the Soviet Union between 1945
and 1989, the inhabitants of the countries behind the former Iron Curtain
turned to humour, as well as the occasional revolt. Here are some
examples of that humour.
A communist, a capitalist and a socialist agreed
to meet to discuss their different economic systems. The socialist was late and
explained that he had been queuing for cheese. “What's a queue?” asked the
capitalist. “What's cheese?” asked the communist.
1st Prisoner: What are you in for?
2nd Prisoner: I said something
nasty
about Comrade Popov in 1937. And you?
1st Prisoner: I said something
nice
about Comrade Popov in 1938.
2nd Prisoner: And what about you, comrade?
3rd Prisoner: I am
Comrade Popov.
Q: When Mayakovsky committed suicide in 1930, what were
his last words?
A: 'Don't shoot, comrades.'
The Complete Military History Of
France
Sent on to us by Ian Shires,
Budapest
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending
foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of
all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
(later promoted to the rank of Saint) who inadvertently creates The First Rule
of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
War of Revolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War:
Lost, but
claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height
of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the
fighting."
French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
fat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to
not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the
French bloodline.
World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
Conclusion: The question for any country silly enough to count on the
French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until
France collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall
Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
The
French
Sent on to us by Ian Shires,
Budapest
"The Almighty in his infinite wisdom did not see fit
to create Frenchmen in the image of an Englishman." WS Churchill
"Is it possible to wear a beret back to front?" David Perril
"Am I the only one who's always tempted to light the little wick on top of a
beret?" Paul Merton
"I don't understand the French. These are a people with a town called Brest
and none of them think it's funny." Al Murray
"Aioli is the nearest thing the French have to HP sauce." John Lanchester
"That Eiffel Tower is a tragic waste of Meccano. As a result, French boys
have nothing to play with except themselves, and that's how all the trouble
with the French started." Al Murray
And finally for you bikers:
"The French favour le cyclisme and have the
famous Tour de France and the shorter but steeper Tour d'Eiffel." Matthew
Sturgis
Security Alerts Update . . . .
Sent on to us by Martin Jeffes of Sakar Hills
Camping in Southeast Bulgaria
The British have recently raised their
security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though,
security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"
to a "Bl**dy Nuisance." The last time the British
issued a "Bl**dy Nuisance" warning level was during
the great fire of 1666.
The French government
announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.
The Italians have raised their alert to "Elaborate Military
Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two
higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
It's not only the Europeans who are on a heightened level of alert.
The New Zealanders have also raised their security level - from "baaa"
to "BAAAA!" (due to continuing defence cutbacks, the air force being a squadron
of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the
Prime Minister's bath). New Zealand has only one more level of escalation,
which is "Sh*t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of
invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic
defensive position called "Bondi Beach".
The Australians, meanwhile, have raised their security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!”, "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and “The
Barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted
the use of the final escalation level.
The Yanks on the other hand will bomb everybody, just in case.
Qantas Maintenance Schedules
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers
lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution
recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only
major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Why I Like
Retirement
Cindy Webb
Question: When is a retiree's
bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the
couch.
Question: What's the biggest gripe
of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get
everything done.
Question: Among retirees what is
considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: What is the common term
for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer:
NUTS!
Question: What do retirees call a
long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What's the biggest
advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you
cut classes, no-one calls your parents.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday
& Sunday, I rest.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied 'No peer
pressure.'
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new
knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or
92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
licence.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated,
and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the
preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me
twice a week.'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also,
my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the
wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping
cart says 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight
to tell the difference.
Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing
because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children
one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us
stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock,
I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat: "Mom! That lady isn't
wearing a seat belt!"
OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a
first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of
his parents."
KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the
ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked
her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the
phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and
found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the
room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for
cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked "What's
the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?
ELDERLY: While working for an organization that
delivers lunches to the housebound elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old
daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking
in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered "The tooth fairy will never
believe this!"
SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first
week of school. "I'm just wasting my time" she said to her mother. "I can't
read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
Hell
Explained
The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term examination. The
answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course, is why we
now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off
heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the
following:
“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving
into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's
look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of
these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions
and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume
in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa
during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls
and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving
the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Theresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
For
All Those Born Before 1940
Written by a resident of Roman Court
Residential Home at Mexborough
WE ARE THE SURVIVORS
We were born before penicillin, frozen foods,
contact lenses, videos, televisions, frisbies, freebees and the
pill.
We lived before radar, credit cards, split atoms,
laser beams and ballpoint pens. Before dishwashers, tumble dryers,
electric blankets, air conditioning, drip-dry clothes, and before
man walked on the moon.
We got married first and then lived together — how
quaint can you be? We thought food was what you ate in Lent, and a “Big
Mac” was an oversized raincoat. We existed before house-husbands, computer
dating, dual careers, when a meaningful relationship meant getting along
with your cousins and sheltered accommodation was when we waited for a
bus.
We were here before day centres, group homes and
disposable nappies. We had not heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric
typewriters, word processors, artificial hearts, or men wearing
earrings. For us 'time sharing' meant togetherness, a chip was a piece
of wood or a fried potato, hardware meant nuts and bolts and software
was not a word.
Before 1940, “made in Japan” meant junk, a stud was something that fastened a
collar to a shirt and “going all the way” meant staying on a bus until it
reached the terminal. Pizzas, MacDonald's and instant coffee were unheard
of. Cigarette smoking was fashionable, grass was mown, coke was kept in
the coal house, a joint was a piece of meat you had on Sundays and pot
was something you cooked it in.
Rock music was grandmother's lullaby and a gay
person was the life and soul of the party. There were four grades of toilet
paper — The Radio Times, Daily Despatch, Daily Herald and the local paper.
A money box was called a penny gas meter, People had a wash tub
outside the home and ate their meals inside the home.
Transportable lightweight baths could be used in
any room of the home. The porn scene was a pawn shop, a handkerchief was a
coat sleeve. Footwear was constructed of leather, iron and wood. A
disc jockey was the national hunt rider with a back injury. The
recycling unit was known as the rag and bone man. An alarm was known
as the knocker up man and NHS was known as the doctor's bill (6d a
week).
Debt and illegitimacy were secret. McDonald only
had a farm, Central heating was an oven plate or a firebrick wrapped in a
blanket. A duvet was your Dad's overcoat. A kitchen unit was known as a
slop stone. The Top Ten used to be the Ten Commandments.
We, who were born before 1940, must be a hardy
bunch when you think of the way in which the world has changed and the
adjustments we have had to make. No wonder we are so confused and there
is a generation gap.
BUT WE HAVE SURVIVED
.JPG)
