Security Alert Updates ...

Sent on to us by Ian Shires, Budapest

Britain: The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "BLOODY Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

France: Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "RUN" to "HIDE". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy: It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides."

Germany: The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "invade a neighbour" and "lose."

America: Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the Middle East ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world" and "beg the British for help."