Third Worldliness

Ian Shires of Budapest

The Third World thing started as a bit of a joke at work. Some of the non-travelling members of staff were asking serious questions about the messy bits of the world that we had to visit.

One of the lads started a list and passed it around the travellers. The idea being to add one or two comments of our own. In other words the list is NOT all my own work.

Maybe you can add one or two lines yourselves.

The one about green in the flag is generally true, but it upsets Italians and Hungarians of course (but what the hell!).

1. You have to search for the country in an atlas when told that you have to go there.

2. You cannot get an international telephone line out of the country in the wet season.

3. The President wears sunglasses on state occasions.

4. You see a driver changing a tyre at least once a day.

5. There is a street somewhere in the country called Liberation Boulevard.

6. Street lighting has been installed but the wires have not.

7. Third worldliness is directly proportional to the amount of green in the flag.

8. You experience at least two power blackouts during your stay.

9. Nobody wants to be paid in local currency.

10. The authorities go ape-shit if you take 10p worth of their currency out of the country.

11. You cannot get an international phone line out of the country during the dry season.

12. The premium local beer is labelled "Export", but you have never heard of it.

13. The locals are proud of their traffic jams.

14. The finance minister has the same name as the President.

15. So does the head of the security forces

16. Not wearing a seat belt is thought to be macho.

17. Newspapers are censored, including the official government publications.

18. Radio news broadcasts are preceded by martial music.

19. There are no official cases of AIDS in the country.

20. The national airline flies Boeing 707s with PANAM stamped on the back of all the seats.

21. The President uses his honorary doctorate title.

22. High ranking military officials wear uniforms that would make a San Francisco homosexual faint.

23. You cannot work out which side of the road the locals drive.

24. Every office has a portrait of the President hanging in it.

25. There are more than 100 local currency units to the GB pound and rising.

26. There are no light bulbs stronger than 40 watts anywhere.

27. People spit.… all the time.

28. Air conditioning is always powered by an unsilenced diesel tractor engine.

29. The US embassy looks like a hardened missile silo with a 100 yard queue for visas outside.

30. Everybody ducks down when a truck backfires.

31. Dogs are treated worse than dogs.

32. There are chickens… everywhere.

33. And albinos !

34. It is customary to be served with something sweet, lukewarm and disgusting by every host.

35. The airport is named after the President.

36. Middle class homes can be recognised by the tasteful combination of crystal chandeliers, Louis XIV chairs, Formica and Contiboard shelving.

37. All buildings are waiting for the next floor to be added.

38. Toothpicks are hand split from a coarse grained timber.

39. Matches do not strike.

40. Women are cheaper!

41. Duty free shops can be found at Arrivals as well as Departures.

42. All turds are floaters.

43. Meat is prepared in all colours and textures, but you can be sure it was killed inhumanely.

44. Hotel cockroaches can be relied upon to carry all bags to someone's room.

45. Hotel washrooms are always used for clearing the nose and throat of irritating phlegm.

46. All barmen have a brother in England.

47. Pedestrians always walk in the road.

48. Someone has stolen all the manhole covers.

49. If you only pay 40% of the asking price you have been diddled.

50. Outside hotels, toilet paper is considered unnecessary.

51. The amount of spitting is inversely proportional to the number of spittoons.

52. Coins are made of aluminium.

53. Computers are only used in Immigration.

54. Computers in Immigration never work.

55. Everyone speaks English except the hotel receptionist.

56. There will be Philippino waitresses in the hotel.

57. Playing fields do not have grass.

58. Any pile of tyres contains at least one charred body.

59. If the airport is closed the President will be arriving.

60. You always have to pay someone at the airport to get out of the country.

61. The customs man will be pleased to make your bag lighter.

62. The security man will be pleased to make your wallet lighter.

63. You are afraid of hearing your pilot say, "Dis am yo pilot speaking".

64. Every news programme starts with "His Excellency the President…received a message from…" and is followed by a scene of saluting and handshaking.

65. It is obligatory to blow the car horn every five seconds when stationary.

66. Bacon is always streaky… very streaky.

67. Everyone tells you the language is very rich, and very easy to learn.

68. Buses carry more people outside than inside.

69. "The size of the rubber stamp (in the passport) increasing, of course, in direct proportion to the anonymity of the nation state concerned." (Sir Bob Geldof in his excellent, insightful and splendidly written book: Geldof in Africa)