The Illustrated Brochure for a Winter Campsite in Greece

Winter 2008/9

Barry and Margaret Williamson

This Brochure helps travellers to Greece prepare themselves for what is known as the Winter Experience. Things are not as they are described in the Summer Brochure and so we highlight some important changes. In fact, children may wish to play the game of Spot the Difference!

There's a gallery of 16 images at the end of the Brochure and 27 images can be seen in: A Slide Show of Winter Camping.

We start with a statement by the five-strong Senior Management Team (aka 'The Family'), as they leave for their winter homes in Athens. This is followed by a general description of the campsite's off-season facilities. We finish with a list of the winter rules, which are imposed by the well-named Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer.

You will notice that the language used in this Brochure is an intriguing mix of English and German with just a touch of the ironic.

Statement by the Senior Management Team (aka 'The Family')

Travellers and Winter People are welcome to our Kampingplatz during the winter of 2008/9. Please keep an eye on the place while we are away. We have left a specially trained English Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer in charge, in his own Swift Sundance motorhome. That's him, on the right, in a grim mood after an argument with a camper called Herman over the illegal removal of a washing line. We're not allowed to show you pictures of the camper.

We are not sure what 'Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer' means, and neither does he, but he does have some responsibilities and duties, which will become clearer to him and to you (but not to us) as time goes by.

Meanwhile, please remember that he is only sixth in line in the overall hierarchy of management and control of the Kampingplatz: it's just that the other five levels are on holiday. However, and before we go, it has been established that the Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer is responsible for feeding the official Kampingplatz cats and dogs on a daily basis.

(signed)

Here are some Notes to Help you Feel at Home.

Kampingplatz Places: The Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer will allocate places in the Kampingplatz as follows:

Activities: In each Kampingplatz space, there is enough room for essentials: the downhill version of the mountain bike, a scooter, awning, carpets, reclining chairs, table, Wellington boots, umbrellas, life raft, barbecue, satellite dish. You can wash your motorhome, overhaul your bicycle, hang washing from tree to tree, cut each other's hair, create and sell paintings, erect a fence, grow watermelons, fatten a pig, build a bird table, fly a kite, distil fermented plums, light a bonfire, bring or adopt a cat, dog, tortoise or cage-bird.

If there isn't enough room on your Kampingplatz space, please occupy two or more adjacent spaces.

Laundry: There are two washing-machines. The key may be obtained from the Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer who will make a note of how many times you use the machine. Please be honest.

Kitchen: The kitchen is equipped with shared electrical hot plates, sinks, refrigerators and a freezer. Please do not cook or eat other people's food and above all do not disturb the French Blue Cheese, which hasn't been seen to move for some time. Two dogs and four cats have been interviewed in connection with the disappearance of a cooked chicken, prepared for a leaving party. It was the chicken that left!

Restaurant and Café-Bar: In the High Season, these are open  from early morning until late at night and you could enjoy your favourite Greek food, drinks and beverages. The High Season is indeed well-named - the bar remains open until the last drunk leaves or falls over. The till is managed by an illegal immigrant who bemoans the loss of the deutschmark/ drachma exchange rate, which once moved in his favour as each night lengthened into Homer's rosy-fingered dawn. Sadly, in the Winter Season, the Restaurant and Bar remain closed and locked.

Mini-Market: If it were open, you would find here anything you might need, as well as daily fresh fruit, milk, bread and cigarettes. The prices would have been only a little bit higher than those extorted in the local supermarkets. Sadly, in the winter it is also closed.

Wi-Fi Internet: Following a 25% (2 euros or 2 UK pounds) rise in the daily cost of camping, FREE internet access via WiFi is now available, even to those campers without a laptop or other form of computer. To avoid overloading the system, no two campers should use the WiFi at the same time - please form an orderly virtual queue.

Reception: The reception will always be closed, although it would have dealt with any questions or problems you might have. It could also have provided information on boat trips, which are no longer running since the boat was smashed when it escaped from its mooring during a winter storm in the harbour.

Library: At the reception, had it been open, you would also have found a library, offering mainly fiction (including guides to local attractions) and a DVD about the campsite in summer. You could have borrowed a book free of charge in the German, Italian or Dutch language.

Playground: The children's playground stays open all year, although it is not suitable for small children given the height of the grass.

Fraternisation: Gossiping over the Kampingplatz fence with local expatriates is to be discouraged. You may learn things that will make you feel dissatisfied and that is not allowed. For your own safety, any food parcels thrown into the Kampingplatz by expatriates or by local charity organisations are to be handed over immediately to the Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzfü

Passes: At his discretion, the Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer may issue passes to campers wishing to visit the local village. You must return before curfew.

Local Customs: Please respect local customs, such as overcharging foreigners in the supermarkets and tavernas and being ignored by the butcher and the newsagent. Unlike Turkey, it is the custom that schoolchildren do not use you to practise their meagre grasp of English.

Language: The official language on the Kampingplatz will be an interesting mixture of Greek, German and English with a smattering of Italian and Dutch. English campers are advised to stay with the language they know best. Scottish people may feel lonely.

Cycle Path and Footpath: There is a tentative proposal (subject to local, regional and central government agreement), in the third chapter of the fourth section of phase 2 of the 23rd Greek 5-year plan, to seek EU funding for an outline footpath/cycle path along the seafront towards the nearby fishing village. Meantime, wear a fluorescent jacket to walk down the road or a lifejacket to walk down the beach. The Greek word for 'cyclist' is trelos (= lunatic).

Emergencies: In case of flood, fire, earthquake, hurricane, civil unrest, nervous breakdown, illness, death, serious injury or the threat of a drunken pig, please ask the Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer what to do (but see rules No 2 and 3 below).

Recycling: Given the campsite management's commitment to a Green Planet and an End to Global Warming, we recycle wherever possible. Therefore, please place your used toilet paper in the wastepaper basket provided. Plastic and glass bottles can be taken 35 miles to a recycling collection point in Kalamata (if you don't have any bottles, they can be collected from the beach).

Complaints: In the unlikely event that you think it worth making a complaint, please use the official form which will be provided by the Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer (if he has any left).

Payment: Cash money in the form of euros (clean, undamaged, low denomination notes preferred) is quite acceptable. Please do not give any money to the Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer - this important matter is dealt with by staff at the third and fourth levels in the management hierarchy. They will be summoned by telephone, so please give at least three days' notice of your intention to leave.

Exit Visas: When payment has been made in full and to the satisfaction of the higher levels of command (sorry, management), an exit visa from the Kampingplatz will be issued for yourself, your vehicle and approved passengers. Your passport, driving licence, EHIC, testimonials, marriage licence and birth certificate will then be returned.

Kampingplatz Rules - OK

The following rules will be strictly enforced by the Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer:

1. There will be a curfew at 2000 hours daily (8 pm for those unable to count past 12).
2. The Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer will not be disturbed during the official siesta from 1300 to 1700 daily.
3. The Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer will not be disturbed when the ladder is in place leading up to his bed.
4. You will only be allowed to remain in the Kampingplatz on Sundays at your own risk, as the  Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer will not be on duty.
5. Dogs must be kept on a lead at all times.
6. Laptops and pigs must be kept on a mains lead, connected directly to the electricity supply at 230 volts.
7. Satellite dishes must be pointed only at approved satellites.
8. Macerating is restricted to once a week for a solitary camper and twice a week for a couple working together.
9. Macerating in public is strictly prohibited.
10. Laptop dancing in Hymer Motorhomes by permit only.
11. Flying a kite is forbidden other than on Clean Monday.
12. Kites caught in trees will be returned the following morning.
13. No more than 7 cats may be fed at any one sitting.
14. The castration of any animal must be carried out by the Fifth in Command (by appointment only). No refunds are possible.
15. The Kampingplatz dogs are not permitted to take campers for a walk.
16. It is forbidden to use the word Verboten.
17. Any other rule or prohibition that the Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer sees fit to implement at any time without prior notice.

(signed)

The Untersturmfeldgruppencampingplatzführer

Don't mess with the Untersturmfeldetcführer. If he says 'Don't move my washing line', then don't move it!
The Kampingplatz is just off the main road. Sometimes, local building workers prefer to use the access road as a parking lot.
Building is still taking place on the Kampingplatz. The workers hope that it will be ready in time for your holiday.
If your room is not ready, you could build your own on the beach, using locally available materials.
But a person who builds his or her house on sand may live to regret it during a winter storm.
Why not make a pig of yourself on the beach? This prime specimen prefers Greece to its home in Thailand. Greeks call pigs 'pork' and so do we.
See you later! The local shops are not too far away for a round-the-world cyclist.
One of the Kampingplatz dogs jumps at the chance of taking a camper or two for a run on the beach.
The Kampingplatz offers a choice of neighbours from a range of countries. However, in winter you can also find empty spaces in a remote corner!
Some Campers may need to be collected from the airport, bus or train stations.
Make sure you know the rules about macerating in public.
Since the restaurant and the cafe-snack bar are closed in the winter months, have a look around the Kampingplatz for other sources of food.
If you are still hungry, this creature which roams the campsite in the winter months would make a meal for a family. If you can catch it!
In the summer months you could have got a drink and a snack at the 'Paradise Beach Bar', just along the shore. Off-season, it's not quite Paradise.
Or walk down to the Taverna in the nearby fishing village. 'To Kema' means 'The Wave', which seems quite appropriate to what happens during the winter months.
You can enjoy the beach at the same time as you walk down the main street of the nearby fishing village!